Soft Smiles, Hard Edges

We often imagine bullying as something we neatly pack away with old school photos and awkward teenage memories. But if you’ve ever had your ideas subtly dismissed, been consistently overlooked in conversations, felt the energy shift when you spoke your truth, or found yourself walking on eggshells around people who claim to support you, then you’ll know - bullying doesn’t always end in adolescence. It simply evolves.

This piece is about giving language to experiences that many quietly carry.

If any part of this feels familiar, I hope it offers some space for reflection, resonance, or relief.

Adulthood brings a more polished vocabulary, curated Instagram posts, and polite smiles, but underneath, those same exclusionary dynamics can linger. They just show up differently - cloaked in passive aggression, social manipulation, and emotional coldness.

I won’t pretend this is an easy topic to write about, not because I’m hesitant, but because it’s one so often overlooked, minimised, or misunderstood.

But I believe we need to talk about the hidden epidemic of adult bullying — not just because it’s painful and disorienting, but because when we name it, we begin to dismantle it.

This piece isn’t about revisiting past hurts, it’s about exploring the kinds of experiences many of us face but rarely talk about. I’m sharing patterns I’ve come to recognise over time, in different spaces and relationships, in the hope they offer some clarity or comfort to those navigating similar dynamics.

Most of all, I hope the reflections and practices I’ve shared offer something useful — these tools are rooted in what I’ve lived, coached, and learned

.…….And learning I still am.

🪞 Do We Ever Really Grow Out of Bullying?

We’re conditioned to believe that adulthood brings emotional maturity. But many of us still carry unhealed wounds, unmet needs, and emotional immaturity into our relationships. These often show up as miscommunication, misunderstandings, assumptions, or more subtly as strategic attempts to control or self-protect.

Adult bullying doesn’t always shout. Sometimes, it’s a whispered exclusion, a smirk at your expense, or silence where once there was connection. It’s socially tolerated and often brushed off as “just being busy” or “having different energies,” when really, it’s a form of quiet cruelty.

Unlike schoolyard taunts, adult bullying leaves emotional bruises that are harder to spot, and even harder to speak about. But why? I think perhaps because naming it risks being seen as dramatic, oversensitive, or attention-seeking.

But I do believe behaviours such as gaslighting, emotional neglect, strategic exclusion, emotional withholding, backhanded compliments, social triangulation, or performative kindness that feels warm in public but cold in private are all forms of bullying. These behaviours may be subtle, but their impact is lasting, and they deserve to be named.

💼 When Bullying Wears a Blazer: The Workplace Edition

Workplace bullying often goes unnoticed because it’s framed as “feedback,” “banter,” or “professional dynamics.”

And for women, particularly us South Asian and BIPOC professionals, I really find the terrain to be even trickier. When you speak up, you're labelled as too emotional or aggressive. When you're silent, you're overlooked. It's such a double bind.

Signs of workplace bullying include:

• Exclusion from key projects or meetings

• Being spoken over or dismissed

• Having your contributions downplayed or claimed by others

• Coldness, sarcasm, or microaggressions during interactions

• Inconsistent feedback, shifting expectations, or emotional sabotage

You might feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, uncertain whether to assert, withdraw, or explain.

🧿 Bullying in Everyday Life

Bullying in adulthood isn’t confined to the workplace. It creeps into dinner parties, family groups, friendship circles, and other group dynamics.

It’s the:

• Friend who snubs you for outgrowing the group’s dynamic

• Relative who makes passive jabs about your life choices

• Woman who smiles in public but excludes you in private

• Partner who withholds affection as punishment

• “Cool crowd” who suddenly decide you no longer belong

These forms of relational bullying are rarely called out. Perhaps it’s because they hide behind the social codes of politeness, loyalty, or family duty that discourage confrontation.

Ignoring it doesn’t make it less painful. It makes it more corrosive.

🧠 When Connection Between Women Doesn’t Feel Safe

We speak often about female empowerment, yet many of us women still experience subtle forms of conflict, exclusion, or dismissal from other women. It rarely looks like open rivalry. More often, it shows up as emotional distance, silent withdrawal, or withheld support — especially in the moments that matter most.

It can look a lot like:

• A friend who doesn’t acknowledge your work or successes

• Boundaries that are met with coldness

• Confidence that’s labelled as “too much”

• A colleague who subtly undermines instead of collaborates

• Withholding warmth

• Gossip framed as concern

• Passive exclusion

These patterns are rarely intentional, but they are deeply ingrained, and they’re hard to name, especially when we’ve been taught to “be the bigger person,” not to expect too much, and to keep going quietly.

It’s painful because we expect, and deeply long for, sisterhood to be a safe space. But many of us are still carrying internalised beliefs shaped by scarcity, comparison, and survival. We've been conditioned, often without realising it, to believe there’s only space for one woman to be praised, chosen, or powerful.

These unconscious dynamics create distance, erode trust, and quietly reinforce the very systems we’re working to unlearn.

This isn’t about blame. It’s about awareness. And when we can recognise these patterns — in ourselves or others — we give ourselves the power to choose differently. Gently. Courageously. And with care.

Some Practical Steps to Handle Adult Bullying

Here’s what I’ve learned — through life, coaching, and deep personal healing. These are the steps I return to, again and again, whenever I find myself confronted by bullying in any form.

1. Name it to reclaim it (Even if only to yourself)

Bullying thrives in silence. Begin by acknowledging what’s happening — clearly, without minimising or gaslighting yourself.

“This is emotional exclusion.”
“This is not miscommunication — it’s deliberate.”

Why it works: Naming the behaviour disrupts internalised blame. It validates your experience and creates clarity instead of confusion.

2. Stay Calm, Not Complicit

In professional environments, power doesn't always need volume. It needs precision.

Responding with composure and clarity is more intentional. When something feels off or exclusionary, address it with thoughtful directness:

• “I’ve noticed I haven’t been included in [X]. Could you share more context around that?”

• “Could you clarify what you meant by that?”

• “I’d like to understand what changed.”

• “I work best in environments where communication is open and direct.

• “Let’s keep this constructive.”

These are not confrontations. They’re invitations to accountability.

And when words aren’t needed, let your energy speak with calm restraint:

• “Noted.”

• “Thanks for your input.”

• Silence — yes, that too can be a boundary.

Why it works: Calm, firm language disarms manipulative behaviour without feeding into it. It shows self-command and integrity. It quietly signals, I see what’s happening — and I won’t play small to stay liked.

Let them feel your self-respect, not your reactivity.

3. Document Patterns and Escalate if Necessary

If bullying is ongoing at work, gather facts.

• Save emails and texts

• Log meetings or incidents

• Keep a timeline

When ready, escalate with clarity and professionalism.

Why it works: Patterns don’t lie. When you feel confused, having tangible evidence helps you trust yourself, and gives you grounding if escalation is needed.

4. Set Boundaries Without the Backstory

Not everyone deserves your emotional labour. Sometimes the most powerful response is quiet detachment.

• Mute the chat

• Step away from conversations that feel unkind

• Say no — without guilt

• Decline invitations that don’t feel emotionally safe

Why it works: Boundaries are acts of self-respect. Choosing disengagement over drama protects your peace and gives you space to reconnect with yourself. It reminds you that not every space deserves your presence.

5. Regulate Your Nervous System

When you’re triggered by exclusion or subtle cruelty, your body enters fight-or-flight. Interrupt that loop with regulation tools:

• Splash cold water on your face or wrists

• Hold a chilled compress to your neck

• Go for a slow, grounding walk

• Practice box breathing (inhale 4, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4). As you do this, breathe slowly and say to yourself: “I am safe. I am grounded. I can return to calm.”

Why it works: Cold stimulation activates the vagus nerve, calming anxiety and helping you return to a state of emotional safety. These grounding tools gently interrupt spiralling thoughts and help return you to your body. They are discreet, accessible, and incredibly effective. especially during or after emotionally taxing moments.

See also my previous blog for tips on regulating the nervous system.

6. Don’t Grieve the Person — Grieve the Illusion

Sometimes, what hurts most is the loss of who we thought they were. Grieve the fantasy. Let it go. Then choose better.

When their actions don’t align with who you thought they were, the grief you feel is real — but often misunderstood. You’re not just mourning the relationship. You’re mourning the idea of the relationship. The potential of who they could have been if they’d met you with honesty, kindness, and care.

• Let go of the fantasy version you created out of hope, loyalty, or history

• Mourn it with grace

• And then choose again — with eyes wide open, from a place of self-honour

Why it works: Emotional freedom comes not from denying our pain, but from naming the deeper layer of it. By grieving the illusion, not the individual, we make peace with reality and reclaim the power to move forward with clearer boundaries and wiser hearts.

7. Affirm Your Worth

Repeat powerful affirmations, especially after difficult interactions:

• “I can stay true to myself, even if others don’t understand.”

• “It’s okay if not everyone welcomes me — I don’t need to force connection.”

• “I don’t have to explain myself to feel valid.”

• “I can choose calm over conflict, and distance over distress.”

Why it works: Affirmations help us rewire subconscious beliefs. They reconnect you us to our value.

8. Seek Emotionally Safe Spaces

Surround yourself with people who:

• Clarify rather than assume

• Apologise sincerely when they hurt you

• Honour boundaries

• Uplift instead of compete

Why it works: Healing doesn’t happen in isolation. Being seen and supported by emotionally mature people helps rewire your sense of belonging.

Emotionally mature relationships offer consistency, and care. These connections may feel like they’re rare but they do exist. Keep seeking them.

And if you can’t find one — create one.

✨ Final Reflection

Calling out bullying as an adult isn’t easy. It can feel uncomfortable, exposing, and sometimes even shameful. But naming what hurts is the first step toward healing.

We’re often told to “let it go” or keep the peace — but that doesn’t mean we should stay silent.

Everyone deserves emotionally safe spaces — in friendships, families, and at work. Spaces where we are respected, not reduced. Included, not ignored.

As ever, thank you for reading.

If this resonated with you, I warmly invite you to subscribe to my substack. If you think someone else could benefit from my writing, please consider sharing it with them. It’s free.

Love,

H

I came across this picture as I was looking for an image apt for this piece. Realised we’re also celebrating three years of life in Dubai. How time flies!